I vividly remember driving away the first time I dropped my son off. He was staying with grandparents for the morning. Grandma was a decorated and beloved preschool teacher, Grandpa the classic cuddly “Poppa Bear”. They had spent countless hours with my son, they loved him, they knew him, he knew them, we had spent so many hours at their home. He still cried. He cried hard, screamed, and clung to my leg. Then when Grandma pulled him off and I walked out the door while she held him back, he ran to the window and stood there crying with his little hands pressed up to the window and his tiny forehead leaned on the glass. Just recalling the look on his face wrenches my heart and brings tears streaming down my face, just like they did that morning as I drove away. See, I knew all the “things”. I knew that he would be affected by my emotions, so I stayed cheerful and confident; I knew that honesty and clarity matter, so I told him what would happen and how, in language he could understand; I knew he would need time to process but, that lingering might confuse him, so I did not rush, and I did not dawdle. He still cried, hard. In my head I knew that he would be fine, that he was with people that would care dearly for him, that he would probably forget that he missed me even. I still was heartbroken to leave him and my heart still worried that I wasn’t doing the right thing. But he was fine. In fact, before my tears had even stopped streaming, Grandma let me know that he was happy again. I don’t remember how long those tearful drop offs lasted, as I look back, I know it wasn’t long. Because I do remember how all too soon came the day that I had to try to catch him to say, “goodbye” as he was off and playing on his own and when, in 3rd grade, he told me that he didn’t need me to stay anymore.

Last year he drove himself to his last first day of high school. He hugged me goodbye with a smile and a joke, shook his messy hair and put on his baseball hat and I waved as he drove away. Then I cried a little. No matter how big they get, how much we know growing and go is good for them, they will always be our babies, and it will be a little hard.

So, when I scoop up your crying baby as you go, just know that I feel your heartache, and I will do all I can to bring your little person comfort. Know that there are hugs, love, and comfort waiting for them. Every member of our staff is committed to building up your child, building their confidence and sending them home loved and happy – just the way you sent them to us. That may not make drop off any better today, tomorrow, next week, or maybe even next month. But I can promise the love and compassion will be there each day, no matter what.

These tears from our littles have a name, separation anxiety. It generally comes and goes in preschool and early elementary. And as with all things parenting, there are a million views and theories to help with it, most of which will conflict with each other. So, you need to pick what works for your heart, your child, and your family. If you have a specific request, tell us before hand and we will do our best to honor that request. If you are unsure, we will help you. Here some things we know can help.

Before school you can….

• Stay cheerful and confident. Comments about being bored/lonely/etc. when your kiddo goes to school are best kept to adults. Students do not generally understand the sarcasm or joke behind such comments. Even comments such as “I’m worried they will…” can convey a lack of confidence. Though well intended these can build unease for the student. Kids know more than what we tell them, they know what we show them in our conversation with others and our actions. Talk about the separation and independence positively with your student and others around them, your positivity about school can be contagious.

• Be honest and clear. You are not going to wait in the parking lot. You will be back at a specific time and collect them in a specific place. Tell them that time and show them the place. You can even show them the time on your watch or phone. They may not tell time, but they know that you pay attention to those things, so it is important to them. At Seeds we also refer to the time and show students when the grown up will be back. We say, “the grownups always come back” and you can give them that same assurance. Talk about what is going to happen, what you will do and what they will do, before school starts. There are lots of great books about the first day of school that can help with the conversations. Some of our favorites are “Lama, Lama, Misses Mama,” “The Kissing Hand,” and “Are You Eating Candy without Me?”. When school starts be sure to give yourself the time to do what you told your student you would do, no need to rush. On the flip side, do what you said you were going to do; don’t stay around to chat, ask for “one more…one more…”, or watch from outside the gate when you said you were going to leave.

After school you can…

• Be prompt at pick up. Being “the last one” can be a little hard for kiddos, even on the best days. Life happens and at some point, you will be late; no judgement here, we understand. We just encourage you to be aware.
• Limit expectations after school. Regulating behavior and emotions to function in a group, office, or classroom is hard work. You are the safe spot, so your kiddo may have a big flood of emotions at pick up or not be able to manage their behavior as well in the car. This doesn’t mean they don’t like school, or it was a bad day. This is a time to remember that “stay cheerful and confident” piece. Like after a long day at work, they too might just need a moment. For some kids that is a moment of quiet and something to eat, for others that might be a big space to move and be loud, or something else entirely. You know that movie scene where the kids get in the car and start happily telling all about their day? It is not real. While there are those kiddos that will need to download every moment of their day to you, it is more likely that will happen at bedtime. Your kiddo more than likely may not be able to recall what they did all day at school. Or again they may just need a minute. For the littles a few questions or prompts might help get the conversation started. The newsletter and calendar can give you information about what was happening at school to ask specific questions or a standard prompt like “tell me something that made you happy, something that made you sad, and something you want to do again” can help.

Quite possibly the most important part is your consistency. Consistency can give your kiddo the confidence that they need to overcome any fears. Confidence that you believe school is important and good for them. Confidence in the staff to support them. Confidence in themselves to grow and learn.

Then one day, all of the sudden, you will look back on how they grew. I think it is only when they are grown, maybe taller than you and leaning down to give you a hug, it is maybe only then that we can really say that those hard goodbyes didn’t last too long. Until then, we will be here to love and support you and your kiddo.